Monday, May 6, 2013

Never too late to change your life

Being a college student
In today's day in age, I can look at a classroom and see people of all age groups and ethnic backgrounds from different locations from all over the world.  In my core classes, I remember being either the oldest or one of the top three oldest in the classroom.  It was the weirdest feeling in the world, and it was a funny experience too when people would think that I was lying about my age.  I guess I look younger than my real age.  Being around younger people was somewhat intimidating for me because I had to get back into the groove of being a college student after being out of school for 6 years.

Balancing my many lives

While I attended college, I was a full-time employee at Longs Drugs.  Don't forget the fact that I'm a full-time mother.  My son was just starting preschool when I started school so it wasn't too bad for me.  Going to school wasn't easy but it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be when I finally got back into my passion, writing.  When my son started Kindergarten, my life become more challenging.  I realized that I had to cut down on work to be able to study for school, and I had to learn how to balance my schoolwork around helping my son with his homework.  Every day felt like I had double the amount of homework, mine and my son's.  Then, I started getting phone calls and notes from my son's teacher telling me that my son might have behavior problems.  That was the most heartbreaking news I ever had because I wasn't sure how I was going to handle my son's behavior and focus on my schoolwork.  Eventually, I got my son tested and found him a holistic doctor, the answer to my prayers without the harshness of strong drugs like Ritalin and Adderall.
Slowly, over the past few years, I've learned how to do the balancing act and the importance of my priorities.  I realized that I was going to school to give my son a better life with a career that I would enjoy.  My son's health and happiness should come before everything else.  I started working at Target as a seasonal worker and liked it so much that I quit Longs Drugs.  The managers were very supportive of my college career and were even more understanding of my life as a single mom.  When it comes to making life work the way you want it, it's actually about making all aspects of your life to complement one another and to balance each other out.  Now, I work part-time at Target on the weekends and around my college classes.  Work and college revolve around my son's busy schedule.

Love and relationships

Looking back at my life, I might have had some struggles in life, but I chose to make it all work out.  I'm so fortunate to have a boyfriend that supports me and chose to move back to Hawaii with me and my son.  Without him, I don't know how I would get through each day without him holding my hand when I feel stressed out.  What I learned from my relationships is that you choose who you want to be with.  If you are in an abusive or complicated relationship, don't ever feel trapped.  That's how I felt when I was with my son's biological father.  I chose to move far away from Hawaii and I chose to be with someone that got too comfortable with my kindness and took advantage of me and my money.  I don't know why it took me so long to realize it but when I finally saw the light, it was almost too late.  I was pregnant and worked 2-3 jobs at the time.  All my friends were co-workers that soon became like a second family to me.  They all told me that I was too good to be with my son's father, it got me thinking a lot.  I had sleepless nights and long hours of work, but I managed to eat healthy for my son's sake.  My life went from taking care of myself to taking care of the living being that I carried inside of me.  Thank goodness my friends and co-workers took good care of me when the father of my child was out and about getting in trouble and making me worry into the late mornings.  I had a suspicion that I was being cheated on but I refused to find the truth because I wanted to give my child a complete family instead of a broken home.  Two months before my due date, I found out the truth and met "the other girl" that he was dating while he was dating me.  It was the most heartbreaking news but it was the beginning of tip of my moment of breaking free.

I finally confronted what I now call my "sperm donor" and everything just went from bad to worse from that moment.  I'm embarrassed to mention that I had multiple restraining orders put on him and stupidly took them off more than enough times.  The other girl and I got into verbal fights over the phone and MySpace because we were too naive to see that it was completely his fault for the mess that we were in.  All the stress from the fights and heartache put me into labor a month early.  On December 9, 2006, my beautiful baby was born.  I was in the hospital with my ex's mother because my ex refused to get up to go to the hospital with me.  I went in at 4am and finally gave birth around 10pm.  My ex arrived after I gave birth and didn't have anything nice to say to me when he saw my face.  I remember it was something like, "Thanks for f***ing calling me when my son was born."  I should have realized from that moment that he would never put himself before our son.  I still tried to believe that he changed and was with me and my son, but he was still dating me and the other girl.  As I watched my son grow, I realized that my son and I didn't deserve the inattention and inconsistency that he was giving us.  The day that I broke up with him was a scary but revitalizing moment.  I had some great friends that kept telling me how smart I was and how great I would be as a single mom.  They taught me independence and made me realize that I needed to give my son a better life.  Before my son turned a year old, my ex went to jail and I felt like my life changed for the better from that moment on.

I was single for two months or so and I just tried to enjoy my life as a single mother while enjoying my friends and single life.  My life was so much better than the past five years that I had crying over as stupid relationship where I wasn't respected or loved.  When I finally met my current boyfriend, I didn't expect to fall in love with anyone.  I had to relearn how to trust anyone else with my heart again.  When he took me out and paid for my food, I was in complete shock because I was so used to being the one to pay for everything else.  It felt so good to have kisses that felt like they really meant something.  Not only did he treat me like a princess, he showed me that it is possible for another guy to love me AND my son.  The lesson learned from this experience is that you CAN change your life no matter how rough it is.  Don't ever feel stuck because you can always get out of anything that doesn't make you happy.

Consequences of bad relationships:
I went through more than enough phones because my ex broke so many out of anger and stupidity.  My car had to be fixed several times because of broken windshields, a ruined stereo system, and even slashed tires.  The doors and walls in every place that I lived left bad memories of my past because of the holes that were made by his fists.  I cringe at the memories of him pushing me on the floor and spitting at me, or the night that he held me up by my throat.  I could have died if I didn't try to cooperate with his anger issues.  My wallet suffered enough from the stupidity of helping my ex when I was trying to be nice but in reality he was just taking advantage of my kindness.  The worst part of being in that relationship was the fact that my heart was broken in a million pieces over and over again.  I felt like he had pure joy making me worry and cry every single day.  What is more horrifying is the fact that all these occurrences happened when I was pregnant and worse, after my son was born!  I never wish any of these things on anyone else.  Sadly, I've heard about things similar to my situations happened to the two other girls that he got pregnant after me.

After all the harsh things that I went through, I've learned to grow up my weaknesses to become a stronger and smarter women and mother.  I've actually become friends with the girl that he was cheating on me with because he later treated her badly.  I'm glad that she is with someone else that respects her because she, too, was disrespected .  She applauds at my strength to leave him and my success in giving my son a better life.

I get along with the mother of his second child because she went through worse than I did.  She had to get a restraining order on him before her daughter turned a year old.  Such a scary thought knowing what my ex is capable of and hearing that he abused another girl.  I chose to keep in touch with this other girl because I want my son to know his sister, who was not mentioned to him until she was born.  It's not the kids fault that their father is a horrible person and an even worse parent.

Change is good:
The best lesson in life is that it's never too late to change your life.  Do you know who is in complete control of your life?  YOU!  Believe it or not, someone else cannot make you stay in that abusive relationship.  If you have a chance to get out, please do!  If you have children involved, it's best to take them out of the abuse before they get hurt too!  When you give 200% in a relationship and they don't give even 50% and just keep taking advantage of you, it's not worth the tears in the end.

When you are in school, no matter what grade you are in, it's entirely up to you whether you want to succeed or fail.  If you choose to slack off, it leads to more stress in the end.  Rather than relying on others in life, rely on yourself first.  Don't try to change other people because only they can change themselves.

If you are given an opportunity to make your life and/or your children's lives better, take that chance because you have nothing to lose!  Why wouldn't you want your life or your children's to be amazing?  When you're a parent, you need to put your children first because they are the future.  Don't give up on life because things can always turn around for the better.  Always look at the positive in life because it will get your further than you could possibly imagine.  If something breaks you down, learn from it and help it make you stronger.


No comments:

Post a Comment